Jaded Times

A group of scientists aptly displayed why their funding should be cut last week when they finally proved what everyone already knew. I mean, really guys. I got a 1 on my AP Bio test and I knew this.

So is anyone else just completely enamored with Jean Sara Rohe right now? Seriously: brains, beauty and, at 21, more balls than the entire Democratic party combined.

Jean, I know we barely know each other; well actually, I only know you from one speech and that interview with Olberman, and you only know me from your no doubt religious following of this blog and its predecessor, the Jaded Times ezine (returning this summer, we promise this time), but hey–let’s go get a malt and discuss the slow death of the working class.  I have seen my match, and she looks a bit like Sarah Silverman.

Perhaps, like me, you are one of the many people who receive these ridiculous pledge emails from members of the Democratic Party. If you are as honored as I am to be a proud, proud recipient of this pandering pile of crap, sing along to the bits that can be put to music, and let’s stand (or sit) together and do exactly what our Democratic senators are doing: nothing of import!

Dear DAVE,

Me! They said my name! They know me!

Everywhere I go, I hear the same thing. From Wisconsin to Texas, from California to Alabama, I hear from people who want the Democrats to stand up and speak out.

We hear you loud and clear.

They heard me! They heard me! Goddamn, we’re gonna see some action now! Surely this is a lead in to a great plan, a truly wonderful plan to resolve the illegal war we are currently involved in, end the death we are dealing to others as well as our own people, and correct the heinous, unconstitutional plots and schemes of our incompetent administration! Go on, sweet Feingold, wow me!

Even though Republicans have total control of the levers of power in Washington, we’ve had victories preventing some of the worst of this administration’s agenda. When they wanted to privatize Social Security, every single Democrat in the Senate stood firm in opposition and we won.

Social Security? That’s your golden goose? A corrupt system that won’t last through the next couple decades anyway?

Now, now, let’s not judge too harshly. Perhaps he’s just not familiar with the concept of “opening strong”. Go on, Russ, go on…

Remember, despite more than 10 attempts to allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Democrats lead the efforts to defeat this short-sighted proposal every single time.

Um, er. Hmm. Yyyyyyyeeeah, ok, that’s a good thing, though probably not… All right look, goddamit, at a time when almost everyone I know between the ages of 20 and 35 is struggling, and I mean struggling, like worried about where their next meal/rent is coming from, and you guys keep voting in pay raises for yourselves and tax cuts for the wealthy, and you expect me to get excited about a bunch of fucking trees? Look, I like trees. I am a friend to trees. I think trees should, overall, not be slaughtered. But I am a bigger friend to people, like the ones being killed by our soldiers and insurgents alike because YOU motherfuckers were unable to open your goddamn mouths and suggest one, ONE, goddamn way to even question the administration. Seriously. Not even a “hey, what the fuck?”. I mean, I saw a guy slap a girl on the street a couple days ago and I was able to muster a “hey, what the fuck?”. And that dude was big, who the hell were you afraid of, Santorum?

So yeah, excuse me if it seems like you guys have, well, laid the fuck down for the past five and a half years.

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A couple weeks back, the fine folks over at onegoodmove.org posted this great video of former childhood star and devout crazy person Kirk Cameron’s “Way of the Master” or “Wave of the Major” or “Whatever who cares you sick little freak”. So, according to the Major, the banana was designed, by god, to fit perfectly in the hand and mouth of man? The design, of the banana, fits perfectly in the human mouth because almighty god wanted those two shapes to, um, interact? Careful, Major Heely, that’s the sort of idea that leads to bigtoed constitutional amendments and impeachment trials…

Oh, Kirk. How we miss the good old days of you and, well, Boner (couldn’t resist, sorry folks).

Though the title of the article is far more accurate, the BBC RSS feed titled this piece “New Disaster Plan in New Orleans”.

New, no…they’re very similar.