Jaded Times

Pope Benedict XVI recently came out against the discovery of the “Book of Judas”, claiming he was a “greedy liar”:

“He evaluated Jesus in terms of power and success. For him, only power and success were real. Love didn’t count.”

Hmm. Sounds sort of familiar.

After the Muslim political opposition to the latest Bin Laden tape, the US is scurrying to find a new scapegoat in/for/against the war on terror. What is sought is someone who is very anti-American, preferably beardy, and of a faith that rich white Americans cannot identify with. Tom Cruise was considered briefly but, with him recently having a child and not being beardy, was not being weighed heavily. Current speculation has the British doctor from Sliders leading the list.

In any event, the right is finding it harder and harder to justify hating Muslims (who are confused nation wide with Arabs, Middle Easterners, and basically any brown people). If we plan on continuing to invade sovereign nations, we’ll need them to like Bin Laden, or the new scapegoat of our choice.

Meanwhile, many people are wondering why we’re not actually trying to capture the guy who orchestrated 9/11. Quick answer? It takes time, as there are plenty of domestic issues to deal with; after all, Iran is trying to make a bomb, people! And Belgium’s been acting shifty, too.

If you have a beard and would be interested in being hated by fat, undereducated Americans, contact the US State Department with a resumé and headshot. Please do not be Christian and preferably be located somewhere near oil.

Ok, perhaps he’s no Bill Bixby, but current governor of California and former Bush ass kisser Arnold Schwarzenegger had some strong words for the Bush administration on Saturday:

“We’re not going to wait for their response,” Schwarzenegger said. “We have seen what happens in New Orleans when people waited for the federal government. Their response was terrible there and we don’t want to be a victim of that.”

Ouch! Talk about going against paty rhetoric, huh?  The governor went on to mention that he would be back, his headache was not a tumor, and that vodka was a cure all for stress.

Yes, some of those are a bit obscure.

A piece of spam that circulated our offices recently was particularly “poignant”, so I felt I should respond (please note that some web searching had several sources, including the so far “batting 1000″ snopes.com, claiming that the speech quotes are true–also, all typos are SIC, nothing has been altered [draw your own conclusions]):

Think something like this isn’t happening? Scary. It is happening as you Read this…..

We know Dick Lamm as the former Governor of Colorado. In that context his Thoughts are particularly poignant. Last week there was an immigration Overpopulation conference in Washington, DC, filled to capacity by many of American’s finest minds and leaders. A brilliant college professor by the Name of Victor Hansen Davis talked about his latest book, Mexifornia,” Explaining how immigration – both legal and illegal – was destroying the Entire state of California. He said it would march across the country Until it destroyed all vestiges of The American Dream

I would just like to point out here that Jesse “The Body” Ventura got elected to Governor. That doesn’t immediately make his comments poignant, nor does the use of the term give his words any more meaning. Though his stellar work in Predator really does make him one of my favorite politicians…

Moments later, former Colorado Governor Richard D. Lamm stood up and gave a Stunning speech on how to destroy America. The audience sat spellbound as he Described eight methods for the destruction of the United States. He said, “If you believe that Americans too smug, too self-satisfied, too rich, then let’s destroy America It is not that hard to do. No nation in history has Survived the ravages of time Arnold Toynbee observed that all great Civilizations rise and fall and that ‘An autopsy of history would show that All great nations commit suicide.’ “

Anyone can quote. Here: “Solipsism is its own reward” (Joel Hodgeson). Hardly relevant, but there you go.

(more…)

The TomKat baby is here.  And what the hell do I know, it could win a freakin Nobel Prize some day.  Let’s just hope it doesn’t take its parents too seriously.

Just when you want to empathize with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, he goes and says something deeply stupid (again). Ahmadinejad has made several valid arguments for the current opposition to his country’s nuclear program, arguments such as the following, which any logical, rational thinking person would be likely to agree with:

“The governments who use force become obstacles to the progress of other countries. They do not allow the countries in the region to follow the path of progress and advancement,” Ahmadinejad said.

“They are against the advancement of technology and science in the region. And they support the occupying Zionist regime. Look how they have treated us, our achievement in our nuclear program.”

(source)

There’s a lot of evidence to back many of those claims. Though impassioned and biased, it is a pretty logical conclusion to come to considering recent history. Well played, good sir. Well played indeed.

Of course, then he has to go and say this:

…the Zionist regime is a dying tree, and soon its branches will be broken down.

See, that doesn’t do much to convince the rest of the world that your nuclear program is really intended to, you know, help develop your country. It’s sort of like buying a handgun, complaining about the waiting period, then matter-of-factly asking if the clerk knows the sentence for a crime of passion versus a premeditated murder. Smooth, Ahmadinejad; as president, you need to be more tactful when approaching the rest of the world, to do what is best for your countrymen and the rest of the world.

The American populace can finally look to the people of Iran and say “we feel your pain”.

According to the Treasury (via the BBC), the US has banned American businesses from dealing with the democratically elected Hamas-led Palestinian Authority. The US and EU have also cut off aid to Palestine since Hamas came to power on March 30th.

But of course, cutting off ALL business contacts would be unfair to those poor, unfortunate egalitarians over at Haliburton, so certain loopholes have, of course, been established:

The US is making exceptions for government entities under the direct control of Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, a moderate whose Fatah movement is a rival of Hamas.

The ban also does not forbid Americans from doing business with non-governmental organisations or private sector banks, among other exceptions.

Yes, folks, American international policy in action: if we don’t agree with who you elect with your new democracy, we don’t acknowledge your existence. Something for Iraq to look forward to, I suppose.

More teachers in the news! This time, it involves multiple students/sex partners as well as a plot to kill another teacher (who was [dear god, I hope "was"] also her husband), unlike the far more boring reports from Wednesday.  You know, it’s really good to see someone taking an active part in our children’s lives.

When asked whether this meant that the government would be looking into reforming and improving both safety standards for students as well as the quality and level of education in this country–bah, who are we kidding.  Nobody is asking anyone in the government that.

Pope urges humility (but just for Easter). Thanks, Pope!

Ninjas kick ass. Sort of.

Grand jury wastes taxpayers’ dollars. Here’s a hint, guys: lying about things like, oh, blowjobs and steroid use? Maybe not the best use of your time. Think treason, murder, and the thing blackberries grow on. You’ll get it eventually.

At least someone’s getting nailed.

Baghdad–still peaceful. Thanks to us, god, and our glorious leader.

Russia deports trekkers. Shatner unavailable for comment.

The lord’s wrath descends on Iowa.

California too.

And little girls.

And SUVs. It’s almost like He’s pissed that we’re glorifying the murder of his son. Or something.

Women’s deoderant hot item for Afgahnis. You really gotta work to get that one.

Happy Friday!

We, as Americans and leaders of the free world, do not question the morals or intentions of our leaders, as they are trustworthy and, in the case of our president, actually in touch with the holiest of holies (no, not Bill Bixby, the other guy). But former Polish President and Nobel laureate Lech Walesa brough to light serious concerns amongst the global community about the moral integrity of our government while giving a speech at Kansas State University:

“No one has the least doubt that you are the economic leader and the military leader to the world, but I have heard a lot of doubts regarding the moral and political leadership of the United States”

An important global observation from a highly revered and respected man. Who, when all is said and done, was addressing the student body of the “one of America’s ‘Best Value’ public colleges”. I kid you not, this is the proud first fact offered on their “about us” page.

The frugal future of America listened to the Cold War revolutionary as he speculated on the future of the world, global and American politics, and the current situation in Iraq:

Democracy, Walesa said, has been cemented in Eastern Europe, where his Solidarity movement helped weaken communist control of Poland in the 1980s. But in countries like Iraq, democratic reforms will not come through the imposition of force, but through creating a legal infrastructure that empowers citizens to create independent businesses and political parties, he said.

These are all valid points. Unfortunately, they all depend on coming from a place of logic and reason, and we ran out of those on Tuesday. I bet Bush wishes he would have “forgot about Poland” now, huh?

(And what the hell was up with him lying about partial ownership of a lumber company, anyway? –ed.)