Wed 24 May 2006
What the Hell Are You Bitches Babbling About? An Open Response to Senator Feingold
Posted by Dave Mandell | No CommentsPerhaps, like me, you are one of the many people who receive these ridiculous pledge emails from members of the Democratic Party. If you are as honored as I am to be a proud, proud recipient of this pandering pile of crap, sing along to the bits that can be put to music, and let’s stand (or sit) together and do exactly what our Democratic senators are doing: nothing of import!
Dear DAVE,
Me! They said my name! They know me!
Everywhere I go, I hear the same thing. From Wisconsin to Texas, from California to Alabama, I hear from people who want the Democrats to stand up and speak out.
We hear you loud and clear.
They heard me! They heard me! Goddamn, we’re gonna see some action now! Surely this is a lead in to a great plan, a truly wonderful plan to resolve the illegal war we are currently involved in, end the death we are dealing to others as well as our own people, and correct the heinous, unconstitutional plots and schemes of our incompetent administration! Go on, sweet Feingold, wow me!
Even though Republicans have total control of the levers of power in Washington, we’ve had victories preventing some of the worst of this administration’s agenda. When they wanted to privatize Social Security, every single Democrat in the Senate stood firm in opposition and we won.
Social Security? That’s your golden goose? A corrupt system that won’t last through the next couple decades anyway?
Now, now, let’s not judge too harshly. Perhaps he’s just not familiar with the concept of “opening strong”. Go on, Russ, go on…
Remember, despite more than 10 attempts to allow oil drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, Democrats lead the efforts to defeat this short-sighted proposal every single time.
Um, er. Hmm. Yyyyyyyeeeah, ok, that’s a good thing, though probably not… All right look, goddamit, at a time when almost everyone I know between the ages of 20 and 35 is struggling, and I mean struggling, like worried about where their next meal/rent is coming from, and you guys keep voting in pay raises for yourselves and tax cuts for the wealthy, and you expect me to get excited about a bunch of fucking trees? Look, I like trees. I am a friend to trees. I think trees should, overall, not be slaughtered. But I am a bigger friend to people, like the ones being killed by our soldiers and insurgents alike because YOU motherfuckers were unable to open your goddamn mouths and suggest one, ONE, goddamn way to even question the administration. Seriously. Not even a “hey, what the fuck?”. I mean, I saw a guy slap a girl on the street a couple days ago and I was able to muster a “hey, what the fuck?”. And that dude was big, who the hell were you afraid of, Santorum?
So yeah, excuse me if it seems like you guys have, well, laid the fuck down for the past five and a half years.
Still, it’s not nearly enough.
Yeah, no fucking shit.
To achieve the vision for America we all share, we simply must take back the Senate in November. I am more confident than ever that we will do just that. The American people know how badly this administration has mismanaged our country. The latest polls that show our Senate candidates can win prove it.
If I honestly believed that the Democratic party had any of this “vision” of which you speak, I’d be excited for these polls (which I notice you don’t reference–well played).
Make no mistake. It won’t be easy. Republican incumbents hold significant fundraising advantages over our Democratic challengers. Each of us has to do our part to help the DSCC make up the difference.
You can help elect Democratic Senators who will stand up and speak out by making a contribution today. If you are frustrated with business as usual in Washington, then we need your help to make a change.
You’ve got to be kidding me. What do you think, I’m fucking stupid? If I give a guy a tenner and he smiles and kicks me in the nuts, do you honestly expect me to give him another tenner? Do your fucking jobs for, oh, let’s say one full year and we’ll talk.
Democrats have always believed in common sense solutions for our nation’s most pressing concerns. Our vision for America is simple:
Hey, that’s a great “plan”; problem is, plans usually involve an, um, plan. Not rhetoric and hollow promises. See, it’s almost as if you asked me for money, looked me in the eye, and said that you were going to spend it on some magic beans, which I could then buy from you, plant, and all my troubles would just melt away. Why? Because you said the beans will work…
If you want to elect Democratic Senators who will stand up and speak out for these fundamental Democratic values,
I’d love to! Know any?
the DSCC needs your help today. The DSCC’s job is to level the playing field. Poll after poll shows that our candidates can win in all the key states. But every one of our Democratic challengers trails their Republican opponent in campaign fundraising. You and I both know our opponents will use those extra resources to distract from their record of failed leadership and to attack our candidates.
Our opponents? So would that be the people you ass kissed for the past six years and now expect me to believe you are standing up against? Do you actually think I’ve been lobotomized?
The only way we can compete is if we can count on your support today.
See, here is where you display your contempt for your constituents. You have not only asked, but linked to, your fund drive twice within a handful of paragraphs. As if, you know, we’re too fucking stupid to scroll back up to the giant blue link letters earlier in the email.
I remember how it felt in the aftermath of the election in 2004. I was lucky that night and won a hard-fought campaign for re-election. But after working so hard to elect John Kerry and John Edwards so we could change the direction of this country, we all took a heck of a blow.
Yeah, we sure did. To have a president steal two elections and have the opposing party lay down both times? Sure was a heck of a fucking blow.
I never want to feel that way again.
Me neither! Plan on doing something about it next time?
That’s why I’m so committed to winning in 2006. That’s why it’s so important for each of us to do our part. The American people know our country has been mismanaged, they are ready to stand up, speak out, and make a change. When we take back the Senate in November, we can make a change in Washington that will last for ten, fifteen, or twenty years.
Look, you’ve had six and you’ve done jack shit with it. Wouldn’t I have to basically be, well, fucking dumb to vote for you after such dramatic failure? You have failed. FAILED. The only thing that could make me happier than seeing you lose would be to live in Texas so I could actively not vote for you. Of course, then I’d be in Texas. So not really much of a win, really.
That’s the kind of difference you can make. You can help us achieve the vision for America we all share. Please, don’t wait another minute.
Good to know one of us would be making a difference! Look, this may all seem harsh, but really, you brought it on yourselves. See, you relied on everyone being pissed off at the neo-cons, which was smart to a point, as we all are. But you didn’t do anything about any of the shit they brought up either, and now you expect us to have faith in you? The problem is we expect this crap from the Republicans, it’s part of their whole motis operandi, numbers before people. But we expect you to be the counterbalance to that, and none of you have been that. Oh sure, maybe a voice rose up here and there, but it was a shaking voice, like a kid who just said “shit” in front of his dad and is trying to produce some mysterious etymology that will make it ok before he gets slapped upside the head. Put simply, you failed, and now you’re asking for my faith, my vote, and my money, to which I say no, we’ll see, and not a fucking chance.
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